I dedicate this to all of my fellow darling outcasts (especially to my loving bestfriend Alora, who would love to read this) ...
When I was a little girl, (corny right?) I would always watch movies about teenage girls wearing these most elegant gowns a princess could ask for. I would turn away from the screen and ask my very young mother and ask her, "What are they doing?" I would bat my eyelids while pointing at them. My mother would hold me close to pat my head, and answer me in a very gentle voice, "they're dancing... They're beautiful aren't they?"
I would nod my head in reply, "Are they in a birthday party?" as innocent I was, my mom chuckled while shaking her head.
"...No, my child, they're in their PROM NIGHT"
"What's that?"
"I'ts like a party... but it's really really special"
"Even more special than my birthday party?"
"No, darling not as special as that... But it's very special to those pretty girls, when you grow up,you'll be able to attend one and see how special it really is..." My mom continued, explaining every inexplicable detail... from the beautiful corssages to the most scrumptious food and to the most elegant part... dancing with a partner. I loved and have always anticipated in experiencing one, on how the setting would be, laughing and dancing with my friends...
10 years later though, I dreaded the words "PROM NIGHT"
You might call it exagerrating... But, do you guys know the song 'At 17' ? More or less... my life has always been that way...
I know I'm young, and I will survive, I tell that to myself everyday, despite my own heart's breaking down...
When I was about between 4 or 5 years old, I have always dreamt on how the life of being a nun would be like, I have always thought of the positive things, the way on how very close you would be with your Creator, and how very pure you would be... I was already aware of the deep consequences but never did think of any arguments against my thought.
And from the past days of my life, I knew that I would love to be a commitment to God, for no longer would I have to suffer any longer about the past... No matter how many times I try to forget about the present, or if I ever succeeded, I know that the pain will ALWAYS be there... No matter what I do, I will have to stay strong... And I know I would have to raise my chin up high to survive and say... "I am a smart and strong person"...
Alas, I still can't avoid the omens that God has given me... All of them quite quite bitter.
Through the past week, i asked Him togive me one of His holy signs to help me decide on my damned life...
I saw the sign on an early Tuesday morning, during a class... Somehow I was excused due to my uncanny handicap, and I had to learn the omen in a very soft yet sleak stab in the stomach.
I was there in a very cool corner by my whole classmate's right side, being quiet and observant, my eyes were a blur, and I could hardly think of anything else, but my eyes and my actions have revealed my messages...
My eyes were full of longing, my cheeks were flushed and my heart was in a frenzy...
I whispered to the bitter breeze while knowing the fact that nobody would be able to console me how I want them to... I was selfish... I deeply knew I was a pure Gunther inside and out... I asked forgiveness from Him for my useless and foolish venom, but not without saying the soft yet meaning ful words...
...
"... Who knew that I would be losing my dignity so soon...?"
